Bad Dog Blog

How To Drive Your Human Insane in 5 Easy Steps
by Kermit the Dog and Honey Bunny

1. Run away from your human. This is most effective (and hilarious) if you can escape during that first early morning walk--you know, when your human is still in her pajamas. It is also really funny if you live in a place that's very rocky and icy--the look on your human's face when she slips and tumbles into the mud and slush in her pajamas is priceless! And don't just run away and come right back--make it a challenge for your human. Run really fast and far through the brambles of the forest as your human crashes along after you screaming your name. Once said human has collapsed and is gasping for breath, bark maniacally so that she thinks that the possibility of catching you is possible and will start running again. Repeat for at least an hour!

2. When you decide to casually saunter back to your home, make sure you've had the chance to roll in something good and stinky. You want to make your presence known! When your human brings you into the house, crying with relief that you are okay, shake mud and pine needles all over the kitchen--it will give her something to clean. Humans seem to love to clean, they are always vacuuming up fur and wiping up paw prints!

3. When your human trudges upstairs to take a shower and do some chores, open the refrigerator. (Unfortunately, the freezer is no longer an option, as the other, bigger human who lives here has sealed it with some bungees and suction cups after many shrimps and ice creams mysteriously disappeared.) Find a big package of jalapeno cheese, bought especially for the bigger human who likes spicy things. Rip it open, while grumbling about how maybe your human should buy you special cheese too. Devour cheese and everything else on the shelves low enough to reach. Shred wrappings and scatter liberally throughout the kitchen.

4. Drink buckets of water--wow, that jalapeno cheese was extra spicy. When your human doesn't reappear for over half an hour, pee all over the floor. (In the end, you are saving your human all kinds of money--what if you had held it too long and got a kidney infection? Your human must realize that if you bark once in the kitchen, she must come barrelling out of the shower and take you outside again--otherwise, there will be consequences!)

5. Take a nap. Make sure to tuck your paws under your head just so--humans melt at the sight of warm, sleepy puppies! Dream about more ways to drive your human over the edge. Hmm, that jalapeno cheese is rumbling around uncomfortably in the tummy. Maybe another way to drive the human crazy is in "production" right now....

***We are always looking for new and unique ways to torment our humans. If you have any creative ideas, please do let us know! We are very secure in the knowledge that our humans expended a lot of effort (and spent a lot of money) to haul us to Norway, and most likely will not beat us to death! Really what can they do to us, we've already been fixed!***